Born to Feel

I was born with a rare gift. I think everyone has at least one gift. I happen to have extremely deep access to feeling. As a child, I would have rather been gifted with extreme skill as a basketball player. I could see how that gift was valued by society. I thought I got the raw end of the stick with feeling. Now, I can recognize and better appreciate my aptitude for accessing feelings. This ability allows me to be very good at empathy with others. Empathy, for me, is the ability to open your heart and be in feelings with another or yourself. 

The way it works for me is that I experience subtle and sweet feelings and sensations in my body. I’m showered with a constant array of stimuli. Every tendril of my being is connected with every person I’ve ever met, every animal or plant I’ve had a significant interaction with, and all the heavenly bodies which shine down on us day and night. These connectors communicate through feeling. I felt connected to the insects my brother and father stepped on and it hurt me physically when they harmed ants or spiders. My heart broke everyday with the intense bullying at my elementary school. I wasn’t the target, but I hated it all the same. It’s difficult to paint with words how fully I feel every experience. It hurts me when a bug  happens to shatter on the windshield while driving my car. The stars shining in the sky warm my heart. The birds flying through the air inspire me. When I’m in an interaction with other people, I simply feel so much. It’s like I’m a live wire of feeling. And, the feelings give me so much information. I’m like a radio tower which can pickup the transmission of so many radio stations at the same time. I’m open like a sponge. I absorb everything around me and it goes directly into my open heart like a sponge.

Why does it matter anyway? Why am I telling you how great I am at feeling? I’m using this article to share my personal story in the hopes of inspiring you and others about the importance of feeling. I believe that I’m meant to be a spokesperson for this ability. The ability to feel should be valued among any of the highest human virtues. If my story lights a spark in you, then it’s done its job. May we all  learn together to feel more deeply and love more completely.

Feeling: Gift or Curse? 

At times, I thought I was born with a curse. Sometimes I wished I had never been born at all. This world was so cruel and it felt so harsh to me. I just didn’t understand why the world was this way. I couldn’t understand how people could treat each other the way they did at my elementary school and in the world.  Even as a child I would often wonder to myself, “Why were they acting so heartlessly?” Other times, though, I thought everyone was just like me, feeling the cruelty of the world. 

My family made sense for the most part. They were loving. They were lost, too, but we all cared about each other deeply. In general, the world just felt so wrong to my young, open heart. For a longtime I wondered in confusion, ignorance, and pain about how this could be. How could life be so abysmal on planet earth? Yet, some strange optimism carried my sails like a kind wind blessing a stranded ship with the grace of forward movement toward my destiny. In spite of all the unreasonable pain and stupid, pointless cruelty, I sailed calmly on while feeling it all. The seas got very rough in many spots and yet there was an inner knowing that sustained me through all the terrible and immense changes which would come. Thank God for this profound peace amidst the chaos.

Awakenings

Thank the stars for waking up! It was in early 1996 when the first inkling of an awakening began. It felt like a splash of cosmic cold water in the face invigorating me with new life. This culminated in what I call the “Great Awakening,” which I experienced during the Winter Solstice of 2020. My Great Awakening was like a cosmic, loving scream that made everything it touched shake, tremble, and realign with love from the foundation up. 

Even as awake as I am… really, I’m still just waking up more and more every day, little by little. Each moment I wake up to a slightly deeper layer of feeling. Every day I feel a little more free from the collective trance and slumber I believe we’ve all been under. 

But anyways, I digress… that is a pattern of mine, after all. I digress and go places where the whims of my heart and mind take me. You’ll notice I’m sure. Don’t worry. My digressions are usually fun, whimsical, and playful like a frolicking kitten or a puppy who just can’t help himself. After all, if this isn’t a fun adventure through the wonders, joys, and pains of being alive, then why the fuck are we still here?

As I was saying, in 2020 I started to have a tiny inkling of the immensity of this gift/curse I was born with. It wasn’t really until 2021 that I began to have an idea of where this was all going. For me, the ability to feel is a superpower. I can’t fly like Superman or turn invisible like the Invisible Woman, but I can feel when someone is lying to me or judging me in the most minute way. I can feel when someone is lying to themselves. I can feel when someone turns against me from several miles away. I can sense when someone goes off what is true to their heart and soul, the split second they leave themselves. And, I’m nearly always dead accurate because I can feel it. 

The Gift of Feeling

These sweet sensations and feelings in my body give me all sorts of gifts. They tell me when people are lying to me and tell me when they are lying to themselves. When they are lying to themselves, their words sound flat. Their tone doesn’t resonate. They feel thin and hollow. This feeling helps me to discern whether I’m off the mark or on target as well. My feelings show me when I’m lying to myself. I ask myself, “Is this the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” This way of feeling helps me to tune to the environment and love all my relations. The discernment my heart has here is quite beyond anything I ever thought was possible. I was extremely skeptical of my heart sensing capacity for a long time. I even kept doubting it until I repeatedly experienced what I discerned was actually  very accurate.

This gift of feeling has been a guiding light. It’s a north star to my heart which  shines among all other things. Feeling has been my guardian angel, carrying me through the intense soul darkness of this weary world with a protective angelic light. This shining star of feeling helps me to love others with deep and profound empathy everyday. 

In our society, my dazzling capacity to feel has in many ways been a curse that has brought about intense alienation for me. When I have sensed things inside of others that they didn’t want me to know about or couldn’t face themselves, they have gotten angry and intolerant of my honesty. Many people have denied my truth and been unable to recognize it as accurate. They believe I can’t possibly know the things I know about them. They think I’m full of myself, deluded, insane, or just plane wrong. And yet, those who know me understand how I really am. 

My heart bleeds everyday for the people who have cut themselves off from me. Some of the people I love most have brutally and coldly cut the strands that connect my heart to theirs. My former fiancee is out of my life now, as is my greatest mentor, and many of my seemingly supportive work colleagues and numerous people who I had counted amongst my best friends. 

I love in an unusual way. This is an understatement. I love in a way that I feel hasn’t ever been seen before on planet earth. This is not because I am any better than anyone else. In fact, I’m no better or worse than anyone else. I am, however, more intense than anyone else I’ve ever met in the commitment to feeling and opening the heart. I’m radical and I go off roads and I entertain possibilities that most people would dismiss or be afraid of. 

There have been many great lovers of all of humanity. The way I love rests upon the great teachers of humanity, like Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Mohammed, Rudolf Steiner, Carl Jung, William Shakespeare, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Martin Luther King Jr, Frederick Douglass, Terry Tempest Williams, Greta Thunberg, and Alanis Morissett. I owe so much to all these great teachers. I would not be where I am today without all the great human beings who have walked this wisdom path of the heart. I continuously strive to be as profoundly loving as they were and are. I do not care about fame or being remembered, I only care about the earth, humanity, and all of the universe.  I keep learning and never close my heart to anyone or anything. I don’t put myself above or below anyone. I simply keep loving. 

Wish for All of Humanity

Sometimes, in the past, I’ve wished I could close my heart and not be cursed to feel so much pain. Now, I celebrate this gift of feeling as a profound kind of open heartedness that I want to share with every human being on the planet and with all the other relations both on this earth and beyond. I’m open to every human being and with any other beings I come into contact with. 

I’m deeply honest and defer to anyone who knows more than me in any area. I’m not an expert in many things. My spatial awareness skills are shaky at best. I’m not great at spelling. My handwriting leaves much to be desired. I wish I was a better musician than I am. I’m not a great singer. My organizational skills are moderate at best. There are so many more things I could learn more deeply. 

My abilities to feel, open my heart, and do empathy are truly exceptional, however, compared with most people on this planet. I know this may sound arrogant, but when you know me, you will know how precisely I rate my skills compared to everyone else I come in contact with. For example, when I played sports growing up I always knew who the best basketball, football, or frisbee player was when we were picking teams. I was masterful at honestly assessing my skills. I always practiced assessing as accurately as possible as if I was another person. I carefully assessed the skills of all around me and rated myself along with them. Sometimes I was the worst, other times I was the best, depending on who I was playing with. Most of the time, I was somewhere in the middle of the pack. I was a good athlete, but not a great athlete. 

In terms of the heart-centered skills, however, I know that I could be better than I am currently at all of them. I have already learned a lot, but I continue seeking to be more open hearted, empathic, feeling, and loving everyday that I live and beyond. I’d say that so far I have achieved about 5% to 10% of what I’m capable of in this lifetime. In my assessment, most of the people I encounter are at about 1% to 2% of what they are capable of. I seek to continue learning the way of feeling with each passing life experience.

It’s so sad that many of us have closed our hearts to our feelings. I understand it, though. Feeling is a double-edged sword in this society. As author Charles Dickens might have said about it, “It was the best of abilities and it was the worst of abilities.” As I said, growing up I was acutely aware of all the subtle cruelty in humanity. Having this awareness as I grew up was both: all a boy could hope for and a nightmare of subtle pain and life lost in hell on earth. The gift of feeling has not always been easy for me, and yet, I believe it is the greatest gift I could have ever desired for my particular life path. If my hypothesis, or deepest desire in my heart, is correct and possible, then together we can restore the heart and soul to humanity.

I believe the hidden potential in feeling is the carrier wave for a change so profound and deep that it will one day reach across this globe and save humanity. When every human heart on this planet is open to feeling, the joy of living will erupt throughout the whole world. The force of the miraculous lies hidden in the power of unfelt feelings. All life will be an eternal celebration of this joy that has no opposite. When everyone has their life the way they really want it, then we can have a true heaven on earth. 

My charge to humanity is really quite simple: accept everything you feel and then you will be able to accept everything that everyone else feels. Another way of coming at this is equally simple. Just accept everything you feel in your heart and cut the crap. It’s time to wake up! We don’t have much time to waste. If you give a fuck about existence, join me in this Great Awakening! Sometimes I feel like an unheard voice crying in the wilderness. That’s the literal translation of “Vox Clamantis In Deserto,” the motto at my alma mater, Dartmouth College. This quote also feels like my motto. My hope is that this cry that starts in the wilderness will serve as an inspired awakening call which can rouse us all, before it’s too late for our species to awaken and change the current feelingless trajectory.

We live in days where we have to believe in miracles or we will face the doom of the human race. My gifts can open the doorway to the miraculous for you and all of humanity. If you follow me on the path to learning how to love feelings, your life will be forever changed. Everything you’ve dreamed of is hidden in the potential of your heart. When you feel, you unlock the door to your heart. So many treasures await you here.

Come! Join us on this journey!

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